'AITA if I don't want to go to my friend's wedding since there's a big catch?' UPDATED 3X (2024)

The first problem here is that I am disabled at 50 years old. Legally. I use oxygen. I use a walker when I need to walk long distances. I sometimes have to give up the walker entirely and use a wheelchair. I'm not proud of it, but there it is. I could happily sit in a room and LOOK at kids but I'd be pretty useless to prevent a fall or stop a child from choking or anything else that would require me to move quickly.

Second, my husband isn't the one who has been friends with these people since childhood. I am. Why would he be invited to watch the ceremony and be part of the reception but not me? My husband said he'd happily watch the kids and let me attend the wedding and reception but the invitation specified that only other FEMALE invitees would be watching the kids so I doubt they'd let him.

Is this a normal thing at weddings now? Do you pick guests to babysit other guest's children? Should I call them up and explain my health situation even though they already know it and visit me during my multiple hospitalizations a year? I hate having to pull the health card but honestly ... what were they thinking?

I confess that I feel offended and hurt that I'm nothing more than a babysitter to them who is expected to pay for my supper and babysit for free. Would I be wrong to simply tell them we won't be able to attend and to find another sitter? And if we don't go ... do we still send a gift?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

baka-tari said:

Send your and your husband’s regrets, and don’t send a gift. These people are clearly not the friends you thought they were. Everything about this invitation is just wrong. NTA, and consider reevaluating your relationship with this couple. This is not normal.

misstiff1971 said:

These people aren't your friends. Accept that. You don't charge people to attend your wedding. That is just silliness. They want you to be an unpaid employee. Decline and do not send a gift or card.

tropicsandcaffeine said:

Why would it be wrong to RSVP with a "not attending"? And why would you have to send a gift to a wedding you are not going to? And who charges to go to a wedding then have the women babysit? Heck I would not even waste the stamp on replying. If it is a digital reply say no then forget them.

Updating to address some questions:

I know these folks because my mom (RIP, Mom) and the bride's grandma were besties. So, I grew up with the bride's mom as an almost sister to me. We went to school together, graduated together, worked at the same place twice, and have been super close since. The bride is like a goddaughter... at least I thought she was. I'm gobsmacked here.

The church where they are getting married is a Southern Baptist church. They aren't members. None of us are overly religious. They just liked the venue and booked it. I've never been inside but it's lovely on the outside and apparently, it has a childcare room that is big enough for a bunch of women and kids to hole up comfortably for a wedding and reception.

We're all American. The groom's family is related to my family via marriage and the bride and groom met at my house at a cookout a few years ago. I've always been way closer to the bride's family, though.

I knew that there had been a proposal. I got Facetimed about ten minutes after it happened and my husband and I cried and laughed and wished them well and ooohed and ahhhed over their story and the ring. I was expecting an invitation, sure. But not like this.

The last time I had lunch with the bride's mom, she told me they're inviting around 200 people so it'll be a large wedding with, I'm assuming, a ton of children. No, I don't hate kids. I love kids. I would have loved to have kids of my own but my body just wouldn't do it. It took two miscarriages and a stillbirth to finally make me accept that it wouldn't happen for us.

We are in the process of adult adopting two young adults that we brought into our home when we found out they were kicked out and homeless at 18. They've lived with us for years and we're making it legal. They call us Mom and Pop and we're a family. I'm still considering my options. I've started and deleted multiple emails to the bride's mom.

I'm a raw nerve right now and my tone isn't the kindest. I want to keep it all in writing so there can be no he said/she said. I plan to ask if they incorrectly sent me the note about babysitting since they know I physically cannot do that. But every inception of the email led with 'WTAF, Donna!?' So, I need to think about it some more. :) Thanks for all the comments. I'm reading them all.

She later shared this update:

I spoke to my friend (the mother of the bride) and I'm pretty upset. I've been bawling for most of the day. She called and said that they were getting a lot of backlash from the wedding guests. No one wants to pay $100 for dinner and only three of the women asked were okay with babysitting.

I told her I understood that the guests were upset because it's just tacky to 1) be asked to pay and 2) be TOLD you are invited but only to babysit. I told her I would not be a babysitter. At all. No. Just no. She got mad and brought up how we were lifelong friends. She said I'd be helping them more by babysitting than I'd be helping by simply sitting in a pew watching.

I reminded her that I couldn't physically help at ALL due to, you know, being legally disabled. She said they completely understood that and expected me to simply 'supervise' the other sitters since they trusted me most. Again, I told her that I felt it was insulting to be volun-told (thanks, Reddit, for that word) that I'd be babysitting and that I had no desire to do that, especially not dressed in formal wear.

THEN we got to the truth. She said that she didn't know if I'd be in a wheelchair that day or require a walker. That's fair. I don't always know which one I'll need. She said that they wanted everyone in pews for the wedding video and me sitting in a wheelchair would make me stick out and ruin video/photos.

I said, "If I need a wheelchair that day then I can move to a pew and my husband can put the wheelchair in another room or back in our car. I may not even need it that day." Then she says, "Well, space is limited in the pews. You would take up the space of two people with your purse and oxygen tank."

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I said, "No, I would not. I wouldn't bring a purse in and the oxygen tank either sits on my lap or between my feet." (it's like a little backpack.) Then she said, "Well, having you in oxygen in the photos would be distracting from the other people."

And there you have it. Words were exchanged and she hung up on me. I haven't been removed from any social media YET but I fully expect to be. I already feel awful for being this way at only 50 years old. I didn't choose this. I didn't want this. If she thinks its awful to having it photographed ... just imagine living with it. Which is what I told her before she hung up on me. I'm devastated. Just devastated.

She then shared this second update:

I'm not in the greatest headspace. I don't think I've ever been less okay, honestly. I did not register to RSVP or communicate with them further. Until ... another invitee got in touch with me and said that the mother of the bride, a person I thought of as basically my sister, was badmouthing me into the ground. I explained my side and our mutual friend was livid.

They told the mother of the bride and the bride that they were wrong to want to exclude me because I might or might not need a wheelchair and would have oxygen on my face. I could remove the oxygen for photos, they told her. So, the mother of the bride sent me a message saying .... and I quote,

"Well, if you're going to be butthurt about the aesthetic we want to achieve and try to turn other guests against us then you can f*cking come and sit in a pew. But not in photos. And we'll try to get the videographer to do edits to the wedding vid, too. But I won't forget how you made this difficult for us." I replied, "How did I make it difficult other than existing?"

She replied, "You clearly told ***** about what I told you regarding your wheelchair and oxygen. And she's telling everyone else. We're getting a ton of hate." I said, "She asked me if I was attending and I told her no and explained why. I didn't lie to her. I told her exactly what you said. You didn't tell me not to tell anyone your reasons. If they're valid reasons to you then you shouldn't care who knows."

So, I'm now blocked. By the bride, the mom, the dad, and the groom. A friendship I've had my entire life is over. A goddaughter that I helped nurture and care for is just gone now. We paid for the bride's car insurance, gas, and cell phone all through high school and college because we wanted her focused on just her studies and not a part-time job

(her parents got her a car but insisted she work but her grades fell when she did and we helped her) ... and this is how they thank us. This is how they repay our kindness. I guess I'm a great friend when I'm giving money ... but I'm not good enough to be seen. I've felt like a burden my whole life and this has set me back so far. I'm just not okay.

Brand new update #3:

Apparently, my post went sorta viral. A few mutual friends reached out and asked if it was me and I admitted that it was. They were told something completely different about the situation. The bride's mother told them that *I* refused to come because of my health difficulties and that I was afraid I would ruin the wedding and declined the RSVP.

She even claimed that she had been begging me to attend ever since the engagement happened which was a bold faced lie. I am the one who organized and paid for the after engagement party so they could announce the happy news to everyone and I was clear to everyone that I couldn't wait to attend the wedding.

So, I sent screenshots, photos of the invitation, and the notecard telling me I'd be babysitting, and then the showdown where I was told I could sit in the pew and just be edited out of the video and would NOT be in any photos. I also posted it on Facebook and shared receipts there, too.

Well, WWIII has officially commenced. Granted, I'm getting this all third and fourth hand, but here's the latest. Word has spread fast. Links to the news article have made it all over the place and I've been told that the few ladies who had agreed to babysit have backed out and asked if there was something wrong with THEM that would make them not fit to sit in the pews or be in photos.

(And I think that's probably the case since two of them have unnatural hair coloring and the other has facial piercings.) The church that was booked as the venue has been notified and I'm hearing it's probably not going to happen there because the pastor's daughter is wheelchair bound after a car accident. He was going to officiate but now he says he's conflicted about it and the message it would send.

My ex friend and the bride have blown up my husband's phone because I blocked them after this went public (they blocked me first on all of the social media spots) and he let it go on for a few days to see what they had to say. He has blocked them but the bulk of it is that I'm jealous that I was never blessed with any children of my own so that's why I'm ruining this for them.

I'm hateful and vile and vindictive because I hate them for their clear health. I mentioned that the groom is related to me by marriage, right? That whole branch of the family tree has now divided itself with some on my side and some on the bride's side.

The groom hasn't contacted us at all but his mother did and told me that I was wrong for sharing personal business and that I need to let the bride have her wedding how she wants it. I don't agree that I did anything wrong here. I can't help that I'm sick. They've made me feel like utter trash that should just be tossed into the landfill. I hurt. I literally ache because of this.

So, hi Donna, my ex best friend and practical sister. If you're reading this, you devastated me. I'm not okay. I don't know that I'll ever be okay again. I invested time and money into both YOU and your daughter. I gave you both a home when your marriage was messed up and never charged you rent or asked for help with groceries or utilities.

For over a year, you lived in our home and we paid your way so you are wrong to treat me this way. My oxygen mask and possible need for a wheelchair should be the last thing on either of your minds ...

Because what matters most is that I, feeling as bad as I normally do, was still going to put on my best dress, make myself look presentable, plant a smile on my face through my pain, and show up for you like I always have.

But I never, ever will again. If people noticed me in your photos at all ... it would have been because I had the biggest and most proud of anyone there and they'd see the love I had for you radiating off the image. You will regret this one day when I'm gone and you realize that there are more important things in life than a perfect photo.